It's an eye-opener to further understand the suffering that an ingrained habit of people-pleasing can have on us - more importantly in grasping & upholding good reasons for letting go of this habitual behaviour.
On the surface, people-pleasing appears to be a positive trait for us to celebrate: being kind and caring to others; putting others' needs first – and one which many of us are taught to embrace as youngsters. BUT underneath that, the persistent people-pleaser will eventually run out of steam, energy, desire, motivation, inspiration and maybe end up in a seemingly dark hole of stuckness and unhappiness, that is, in emotional distress and often physical discomfort, ie pain, and possibly even disease.
So I’m inviting you to consider these ideas and see what conclusions you come to:
We usually learn to people-please as children in order to get others to like us, love us, look after us or to try and manipulate circumstances to avoid someone else’s behaviour we fear. It’s often a survival instinct - and childhood traits tend to stick with us into adulthood.
However, in adulthood and autonomy, we have a choice.
If you're in the habit of forever trying to please those around you: there'll likely always be too many people to please; each of whom wanting different things from you; often you'll be guessing or creating stories about what you need to do to please each of them; and also their desires seemingly often changing with the wind. An overwhelming, highly stress-inducing, discomfort-producing and futile task.
Neither does this process work out for the one who wants to be pleased - or who we feel the need to please. If they're forever trying to modify others' behaviours in order to be pleased, then they're continuously needing to control, manipulate or gain cooperation from others - which really is a challenging and probably impossible task.
What's more, as the people-pleaser moulds their behaviour to please the other, it often seems the mould is never good enough & more moulding is required! A never-ending, likely futile endeavour.
So, the new skill to replace people-pleasing is to compassionately consider yourself and your own needs too, something many people can have a tricky time discovering and attending to initially. If you put the same effort into making sure your needs and desires are met too, you'll gradually regain the steam, energy, desire, motivation & inspiration you need, lose the feelings of distress & discomfort, and begin to feel happy & forward looking again.
This new way of being may probably feel infectious to those around you, motivating them to do the same for themselves. Then you’ll all have the energy to happily live life in comfort & ease, inspired to seek out more fun & joy, whilst also benefitting from the support of one another.
I'd be interested to know what you think!
People-pleasing is one of the various traits we discuss within the interactive, live, online programme, Freedom From Pain. This programme is available both in a 1:1 or group format to help you in your journey to relief and recovery.
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